It's Not All Soggy!

I'd like to say that life has taken on a glow so bright that shades are required just to wake in the mornings, but the truth is that it's more dismal than I care to admit. So far we're hanging on with a hope and a prayer that things will change for us and become "comfortable" again. I'd like to get back to the point where I KNOW, without doubt, that the bills will be paid. I'd like to drop in the mail the two payments we're behind on the mortgage and take a sigh of relief knowing that we aren't on the brink of defaulting on our home loan. I'd like to walk into the grocery store and buy a bill of groceries and NOT have to worry about what bill I'm not paying just to put food in my children's mouths. And, more than anything else, I'd like to not feel angry about the entire situation and guilty for buying CM's gifts for her birthday next week.

Yep, my baby girl is turning six years old on the 12th and I am in shock that the time has flown by like it has. It seems not that long ago that I was holding her in a receiving blanket and wondering how I was going to learn to be a mother. I recall the fear I had before leaving the hospital. I'm assuming they were normal thoughts and fears, but I wondered if I really had it in me to be a mother. I feared that I'd fall short and not be able to care for her and all her needs, but so far, I've managed to NOT fail her completely. She doesn't have everything she wants and we skimp a bit on the needs sometimes, but she seems to be happy. And I know that she's made my life better everyday since she's been born.

And that brings me to the second of my loves... Lucian is growing so quickly. It's hard to believe he's already almost two months old. Yep, he'll be two months on August 16th! Some days it feels like I've held him a million times and other days it feels like it's the first time all over again. He is beginning to make more noises and I'm anxiously waiting for the giggles to start. He's holding his head up well and making great strides in scooting across the floor. I swear, at this rate, he'll be crawling full force within another month... if we have that long!

As for the other child, well... it is what it is. I'd like to say that he's better, but we have more bad days than good with him. He's insistant on being callous and cold to CM every chance he gets. The plus of the entire situation with him is that he's finally acknowledging that CM is his "sister" and he's warmed up to being a big brother to Lucian. We feared that he'd remain distant and that he'd never bond with him, but he has and it makes me feel good. As bad as it is to admit it, in the long run, I feel he'll ultimately have a closer, stronger bond with CM and Lucian than he will with his other sister and brother by his mother. He doesn't realize it now, but with having a home with us, that means ties will bind the tighter than simple weekend visits. Being here, with us, he'll grow and watch the others grow and change too. Now, if only God can give me patience and the open heart I need to learn to like TC. I've loved him because I love his father, but liking him has been the difficult part... I'm hoping beyond hope that we can fix that.

Another aggravation I have is the way the economy is going and the lack of concern R seems to have for our situation. He's a union ironworker and things have been really off for him for a long time now. He was laid off in October 2008 and stayed that way until February; he worked until the end of March and then was laid off again. He has worked a total of three days since then. I understand that everyone is struggling and construction work is tanking all over the place because they can't get financing for projects, however, if you don't keep your name active on the books, then you can't expect to be called to work. I asked R yesterday if his name was back on the list and active, he ignored me for a while so I asked again and insisted on an answer... the answer was "I'll call the hall tomorrow and get it added back on." Yeah, this pissed me off completely. I have no job to go back to, I've put in over 50 applications and am making a plan just in case we lose the house. R gets angry when I bring up foreclosure, but it's very possible this could happen, especially if he doesn't go back to work soon... REAL SOON! I mean really, how can he expect to cover the bills when we have NO income other than unemployment. The way I figure it, we either buy groceries or pay the mortgage, we can't do both. And if I do both of those, then we have no electricity or water. It's a no win situation without him going back to work and that can't happen if he doesn't become more pro-active about looking for a job SOMEWHERE, union or not, we need income.

The good note is that the kids started school this past Monday and they both seem to like it. And to make things more interesting, I'm going tomorrow for an orientation class to see about acquiring my GED. I figure I have no excuse not to go and take care of this. Since I no longer have time constraints I can take the prep classes that they offer to ensure I pay the fee only once to take the test. Keep you fingers crossed for me/us that all will work out the way it should. I have faith that God will see us through, but I wish he'd share the plan of action with me so that I could avoid the migraines and stress induced body aches.

Hugs to all!

The good and bad of life

Well, life has changed significantly since I announced my pregnancy back in October. First came the bad... the assholes that I have worked for for the past eleven years cut my hours again only to end up terminating my position completely and canceling my insurance a mere two weeks before me giving birth. Can we say gratitude? I can't say that any of their actions surprised me, but I will admit that I was hoping they'd have done the "right thing" by me and helped me through the maternity leave. Instead I got a separation notice and not quite a month's pay.

And as if that wasn't bad enough on its own, R hasn't worked since the beginning of May. He's a union ironworker and there are just no jobs to go to right now. He's called every morning to the hall hoping for something to put his name in for, but it's dead. He's drawing unemployment, but it's only enough to pay his personal bills and nothing really towards the household expenses or groceries. I went and applied for unemployment myself, but don't really qualify to receive it until I can actively seek work... translation, until my maternity leave is up, I get nothing.

And the icing on the cake for the bad came this past Wednesday when R and I went down to file for food stamps. Yes, we are in that position to ask for serious help. Like I said before, his unemployment doesn't really pay anything and I'm not drawing anything right now. You'd think that it would be a no-brainer and that we'd be approved no problems. Well, I was wrong. We walked out of there with our pride swallowed and no help at all. For whatever reason, we didn't qualify for any assistance at all. NOTHING! Can you freakin' believe that?!? I was amazed at how they figure we can make ends meet when the only income we have right now is A$277 per week and the mortgage alone is $615, not to mention we have utilities, car note and diapers to buy. My last hope is that we will be approved for WIC and that it will cover the formula for "Bug".

But it isn't all bad either. I figure God is testing me and my faith and that everything will be fine in the long run. I have a beautiful baby boy to love and an amazing little girl who loves me regardless of our bank account balance. Lucian was born on June 16th at 1:42 am after 16 hours of active labor and a last minute C-Section. I was wiped out completely by the time he made it into this world, but he was/is worth every second of discomfort and pain. He's my last unless God has a hand in it, and I'm enjoying being a "new mom" again. The only issue that I'm having with him is that his paternal grandmother is insistant on calling him by a nickname of his middle name. I'm trying to keep the peace about it, but it irks the piss out of me!

Tuesday will be two weeks since I had Lucian and I will be released to drive on my own again. That's when I will be pounding the pavement looking for a new job. I know they say to wait six weeks until you do anything, but I don't have that luxury right now. We are in a bad way and I have to find something soon. To be honest, it may come down to me finding a couple of jobs to make ends meet until Russell goes back to work. We are hanging on by a thread and it scares the hell out of me. I've never been in such a bleak situation and I'm hoping to overcome the obstacles and find a "peace" in the near future. Please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers.

I think that about covers everything right now. I'll be back soon to let you all know how things are going. Now to go play with my baby :)

He's Here!

Don't feel much like writing a novel right now, but wanted to post that I will be on here soon to post my labor and delivery story of my new baby boy. He's precious and I'm madly in love! Hugs to all my friends who have to wait to hear more.

Big Changes, Fear and 37 Weeks Preggo!

Hey guys, sorry I haven't been around a lot lately, but I've had a ton on my plate. First off, May 29th was my last day at work. This can be viewed as a good thing, but it's really not. I worked for this company just shy of eleven years and all I got out of it was a separation notice, a joke of severance pay and the promise to cancel my insurance effective June 1st. How great is that considering I have 3 weeks left in my pregnancy? Whatever happened to company loyalty to its employees? And to make it worse, I was actually expected to prepare everything and make things easier for those that they were bringing in to the fold. I've never wished harm to anyone really, but this time around I'd like to believe that justice could be doled out quickly. Hopefully karma will find its way around to getting them taken care of.

Then comes the fear. R has been laid off for the past month and nothing is in the near future of changing. We're not doing all that well right now and I'm afraid it will get worse before it gets better. I have to go file for unemployment but am unsure if I'll get penalized for being pregnant. And even if I'm not, it's barely enough to pay the bills, so that means filing for food stamps just to make ends meet. Let's hope the hypocrisy doesn't raise its ugly head and keeps us from getting that bone thrown to us.

Then there is the issue of the alien whose taken full control of my body! I am 37 weeks along today and I can't wait to see his little face. So far everything looks really good and there's no real reason to induce before 39 weeks. They won't let me go beyond that because of the diabetes, but if I go before that they won't stop it either. He's growing so big and takes up every inch of my insides. He's very active and has me extremely sore right now, but hey, I'm happy he's doing well and healthy.

Gonna run go pee, but I'll check back in soon! Hugs to all my friends, God bless and all my love!

Time is Flying

Can you believe that I've already hit the 30 week mark? I can't! In fact, it seems a bit surreal to me right now. The thought of having another child in my arms, my house, my life is a bit terrifying. I thought by now I'd feel that I had everything together, but instead I'm feeling like I don't have the first clue as to what I'm doing or what I was thinking. I'm sure I'm one of about a trillion women who've felt this way, so I'm not looking for some Zen answer, but it would be nice if I could go one day without doubting myself and the decision I made to do this again.

The flip of the coin is feeling my baby boy growing and moving inside of me. I'm soaking in these "moments" that are just between the two of us. It's like we have a secret language that only he and I can understand. Too soon from now I'll be sharing everything about him with everyone else, so I take great strides to touch back when he knocks. The funny thing is that through all the ultrasounds we've had, he's made it a point to make certain they know who's in charge... HE IS! He refuses to move until he decides it's time to; which is usually after they've turned the machine off.

During our last appointment they found that "Bug" is measuring a whopping 3lbs 15oz. This is about a pound more than he should be weighing at this time. Of course I have my doubts about the measurements because the tech did everything so damn quickly we barely saw anything at all. Which was a real pisser considering I had taken CM with me to this appointment. We were hoping for a 3D pic of him, but the tech refused to take time to try to get him to move and get a shot of his face. Anyway, thing is, if he's really weighing this much, they said there's no way I'll go to a full 40 weeks. I'm assuming that they will end up inducing me at 37 weeks like they did with CM. Translation... I HAVE ONLY 7 WEEKS LEFT! Yeah, that's frightening as hell. Other than "Bug" being a big boy, the appointment went well. My diabetes is pretty much under control and I'm feeling really, really good.

CM is doing well too. She's on spring break this week and has had a full week of playing and getting dirty. She had a dentist appointment this morning and came through without any bad news at all. They checked for her "big teeth" coming in and all looks fine, including have NO CAVITIES! This is a good thing considering she loves her some goodies! It's amazing how quickly she's growing though. I look at her sometimes and recall the first moment I saw her face. Hard to swallow that almost six years have passed since that second. It's a bit saddening to watch her grow when all I want to do is wrap her back into my arms and keep her close to me. Now, I'll be doing that with another baby... SHEESH! the hurt we put ourselves through!

Other than that, life is good. I'm learning how to trust more than I ever thought I could and I'm finding faith in myself that I didn't realize I had. I'll be changing jobs after the baby is born and that scares me to death, but it will be good. I have faith that God will guide me in the right direction for that. I'm also learning that it's okay to be a little weak without appearing to fall apart in front of those that you love who love you back. Yep, this pregnancy is teaching me a bit about humility and limitations. IT'S ALL GOOD!

25 Wks 5 Days

Hello everyone, just thought I'd pop in and make another update. I had an appointment this week with my perinatal doctor and all is looking really good. My little "Bug" is growing like a weed and is quite active these days. However, he was being a bit stubborn when it came to having his picture taken this time. He refused to get in "better light" and have a really good photo made. We did have the opportunity to do all the measuring of legs, arms, head and tummy; all of those things look great. On our next appointment we're hoping to get in for a 3-D ultrasound, but I'm just as happy with the plain ole ordinary ultrasounds.

As for me personally, I am feeling pretty good in spite of the fact I'm having to prick my fingers four times a day and give myself shots twice a day. I'm hoping the recent increase in insulin will be all I need until I'm through with this pregnancy. I'm worried that all that insulin will make it harder on "Bug" when he reaches the outside world. I know I'm probably worrying about next to nothing, but still, it's my job to do this and it won't stop for about thirty or so years. :D

Things at home are going well too with the exception of R being laid off again. I don't stress too much about it, but it's not really the most opportune time for this to happen. I've been cut back to part-time at my job, so the carrying I did the last go around can't happen this time. In other words, it could get rough real quick if he's not called back to work. And to make it worse, I'm doing everything I can to get the necessities for the baby bought, but feel guilty if I spend any money on anything. I'm hoping that something will break and things will just simply fall into place for us and our finances.

The kids are doing well too. CM has been battling head lice, but she's a trooper about all the washing and picking, so it's not so bad. TC is happy to be off restriction but is anxious about getting his report today. He knows that if it's bad, then the punishment will be too. Considering he's had a month of down time to concentrate of schoolwork, there's no reason he should not be making good grades.

I think that about covers everything. I'll be back as soon as I can to post more of the adventure. Hugs to all and happy arrival of real spring!

21 Weeks 5 Days

Went to the doctor yesterday and saw "Bug" again. He's doing just fine and growing right on target. They said his measurements are right in line with my due date of June 25th. I was just surprised to find that I was still wrong and that he was still a HE! Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be having a smooth, uneventful pregnancy and a healthy baby growing inside of me, but I'd rather it had been another girl. I know what I'm doing, kind of, with a girl... I'm clueless when it comes to raising a son. And I'd like to think Mom will be a big help, but she only had girls too.

All in all, once the initial shock wore off, we are all happy with our baby boy coming soon. Now if we can just get the rest of life to fall into place. I'll write more about that tomorrow, today is too emotional.

Hugs to all and here's a pic!